Most of my life I have been a performer. In elementary school I wanted to be on Broadway. I would put together little plays, or miniature versions of Disney movies and act them out for my mom and grandma. Then I began to play the viola. Being on stage, in the first row, second seat, in honor’s orchestra was exhilarating. Chorus was part of my life most of this time also. In high school, I ventured into talent shows and solos. I was nervous often, but I tried to use the energy for the performance. College brought me to a new level with voice lessons and jazz choir. It’s been in my blood, in my spirit, a part of who I am that I don’t give much attention to now.
As a performer, or athlete, or student, or any part of life, I got a lot of feedback. I was always trying to fix something. Make it better. This continual fixing and adjusting has worked it’s way into my personality and way of looking at life. Just like anyone, I am my biggest critic. My problem is that I become everyone’s biggest critic. Sure, I’m not the person that is yelling out everything that is wrong with you. I’m not the person who wants you to feel badly about yourself. I don’t hate you. I love you. And I want you to be better at what you’re doing. I want you to be more successful. I want more for you. But in wanting these things, I can be a critic: tearing people down accidentally in the name of helping them be better. It can manifest itself as judgement and seeming like I’m somehow above others. Neither of these things are on my mind. I truly want things to be better.
This can happen with anyone: a customer, friend, pastor, my husband. I don’t want to beat people down. I want to build them up. I’m not perfect. Nothing in my mind or life would make me think that I am. Just like everyone, I am in progress.
Praying for God’s guidance and help in this sensitive area of my life.