why aren’t we holding hands?

It’s a regular Sunday morning. I’m wearing a cute Sunday morning dress with my favorite black heels. My husband and I are chatting it up as we walk toward the church building. Then I see them (not too far ahead of us) walking in the same direction. They are holding hands.

My mind begins to fill in all the blanks of their relationship from that moment. They are holding hands, so they must be in love. Not only in love, but they like each other. A lot. Enough to interlock their fingers in the mid-morning mist and humidity. They’ve probably been married for about five years and have two adorable and well-behaved children. I couldn’t see the children, but that’s probably because they were walking so nicely and quietly ahead of their parents. He probably has a perfect job that allows mama to stay home. He never gets angry or hot-headed and even when he does, she is full of grace and gentleness. I imagine that their house is clean – Martha Stewart clean – and they have all their original teeth.

Then I think, why aren’t we holding hands? That perfect, beautiful couple holds hands. They have it so much more together than we do. Maybe we don’t love each other well enough. Maybe I’m too messed up for my husband to want to hold my hand. Maybe he needs to step it up and love me better (you know, like Christ loves the church! Always holding her hand!). I will spare you the other places my mind goes in that moment.

All of a sudden – it may have taken you two minutes to read that, but it took less time for me to get there – I’ve worked myself into a quick funk. It didn’t last long. I realized what was happening. However, it still happened. It’s like I want to kill my joy. It’s like I don’t know that comparison (even the kind that I make up in my head) kills joy. It’s as if I don’t believe all the goodness that He has for me.

I’m thankful that I caught it quickly. I’m thankful that I didn’t allow those thoughts to fester and cause conflict in my marriage in this moment. Learning, remember, every day, to keep my eyes steadily on my Lord. And to not get caught up in those wayward moments of being sidetracked and allowing my mind to wander in the worst ways.

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