Last month was my anniversary. I had this whole idea that I would write this amazing blog post (you know, really blow your mind with what I’ve learned over the last year) and post it on the day of our anniversary. People would be so proud of my honesty and insight in only one year, even if my insight was just that I learned that I don’t know anything.
I set expectations for myself: in marriage, ministry, friendship, work, blogging, everywhere. I set lofty goals because I won’t ever reach somewhere that I never try to go. I’ll never reach something that I never went for. Maybe that’s wise, maybe that’s foolish. I can’t be certain. However, it has given me some perspective.
Having goals for myself in marriage is good. When my goal is to honor God and my husband, that’s good. When I aim to cook a certain number of times per week or to do laundry once a week as a way to show him that I love him, that’s good. But an unhealthy pattern occurs when I miss my goals. It’s not a good thing when I’m tired one week and let the laundry pile up, then begin to tell myself how horrible of a wife I am for not finishing it. It’s a bad thing when I’m convinced that I suck at life because we ordered pizza instead of having a home cooked meal.
It’s a cycle of crazy that I get into. I feel so down about it that everything falls apart. The guilt of the situation makes me pull back and feel like a failure. However, my success or failure is not based on the cleanliness of my house, the level of gourmet of my meals, or the quickness with which I finish the laundry. It’s about my Savior.
My life is about Jesus. My marriage is His. Am I not honoring Him by not cooking tonight? Probably not a big deal. But when I pull back and settle in my discontent and guilt, then I am not honoring Him. I am not content in Him. I am not giving Him everything. I am believing that somehow my life is mine and that I can do it on my own.
What have I learned in my first year? I don’t know anything. I need God because even on my best days I fail on my own. He is with me. He is for me. And He will lead me in being the wife that He has called me to be. Even with the laundry undone.